Why I Hate Lululemon

First of all, lets get real. Attending a Yoga class is a big trend for skinny, white, suburban women who pretend to be spiritual while exercising.   Men go too, but only if they have a Groupon.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love, love yoga pants.  They are comfortable and I will even go as far as saying they are divine for any woman, of any size.  And I actually love doing (easy) yoga because I am far too lazy to do any other form of exercise. 

Lululemon Atheltica jumped on the yoga bandwagon and began selling their wares on the early wave of this trend and I can’t stand them and everything they stand for. And they are stupid expensive.  A status symbol.  The Louis Vuitton of the yoga world.  I would much rather spend the one hundred and some dollars on mounds of cheesecake or cigarettes.

Here is their logo.

I’m sorry.  That was a uterus. This is their logo.

I want to make this clear. Only skinny women can wear them.  If you go to a store or look online, the yoga pants only go up to a size 12. Is “sizeism” a word? And what size they give you is the size you get.  Asking for a larger size because you’re about to cough up your colon is blaspheme.  You are not allowed to do that.  Ever. Besides that, fat people can’t do yoga anyway.  They’re fat. 

Size 6 to 8 has clever names for clothing items:  “I Haven’t Eaten in Three Days”, “Smell Your Own Yoga Farts"  and maybe, "Unicorns Flow In My Chakras"

Size 10-12, (sizes for the morbidly obese) ”Push yourself away from the table”, “Land Whale” or “You are a Lard Ass”

The trend now is to wear them anywhere; that way you appear to either be going to yoga class or leaving one. But wait! They have patented fabrics to not only make your life more easy, they make the execution of Warrior II* much more warrior-like.

Silverscent ® prevents stinkage issues.  I mean who would go to Whole Foods after class smelling like ass gravy?  It’s not even vegan. Gross.

Nulu™—for that “next- to -nothing feeling with your must -have technical performance qualities.”  What does that mean?  Seriously.  Technical-performance qualities?  Isn’t that what Viagra is for?

My daughter drug me into a Lululemon store a few years ago. I too needed yoga pants with a uterus on them.  The sales person decided I was a size six.  They put me in a dressing room the size of an upright coffin, where I proceeded to have a skirmish with a piece of shit yoga pants.  My right leg was in. Whew.  My left leg was not so willing, I hopped around on one leg with the waistband at my knees, only to topple over, dead weight into the side of the coffin. My brain was sending me every possible pain signal it could. Tiger.  Shark.  Man with machete. No! No! Get these things off!  By now, I had already drawn enough attention to myself, so I managed to squeeze into them. 

“These are too tight” I explained.

“They have to be snug”

But, I think I am getting a yeast infection as we are talking”

“They need to be snug”

“But I don’t like them this snug.  Can I have a size 10?”

“They really have to be snug”

“I now have a belly apron.  I don’t usually have one.  This can’t be good.”

“Maybe you need a different waist band”

“Maybe I need a smaller body?  Isn’t that how this works?”

I was already done with this place. And I haven’t been back since.

Why is it that the eat-vegan-recycle-everything-I-only-eat-organic-equal-rights-for-everyone crowd wears these?  Because they like endorsing sizeism?    Get over yourselves.

Revolt people.  Revolt.

*I know, it’s really called Virabhadrasna, you asshole.